


Darkness

by carter-sg-1 (Areneth)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 09:28:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24468745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Areneth/pseuds/carter-sg-1
Summary: The seven years have taken their toll on a friendship. Can they rebuild the bridge to gap the chasm?
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 28
Kudos: 41
Collections: Kathryn Janeway Needs A Hug





	Darkness

An earsplitting scream ripped through the night waking him violently from his slumber. He was on his feet in a second.

A somewhat quieter, if not less desperate, an invocation of his name was repeated, accompanied by

heart-wrenching sobs coming through the bulkhead that separated their quarters.

*Kathryn!*

It didn't matter he had spent 2 hours boxing on the Holodeck after their latest... adventure. It didn't matter how awkward they were around one another as of late.

He spared no time to contemplate any of it - running full tilt to her quarters, overriding the lock, rushing toward her bedroom.

She was on the floor, tangled in sheets, rocking and sobbing, mumbling his name.

He was next to her in a heartbeat, forcing himself not to touch her, unwilling to frighten her even more.

"Kathryn", he entreated gently.

She did not appear to take notice of him, weeping, her eyes half-closed.

"Kathryn" he repeated more loudly this time, "it's me."

He lowered his head to her eye level, trying to make eye contact.

"Kathryn, please..." he begged, she was scaring him.

"...'kotay... " she mumbled, her eyes slowly opening but still not focusing on him.

"I'm right here", he gently lowered his hand to her shivering one, trying to assure her of his presence.

Her eyes finally focused on his "You were dead...drawer… morgue...." she whispered, tears continuing their silent track across her face.

Doctor's latest adventure, another nail in their...friendship.

She sounded so broken. Despite everything that they had been through, his heart still ached for her.

Using his free hand he gently cupped her face. "It was just a dream Kathryn, I am right here."

She closed her eyes, sobbing, clutching his hand in hers. "You are dead!" she cried inconsolably.

"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." He gave her a moment before sitting down next to her on the floor, gently pulling her towards himself and into his lap, settling against the bulkhead.

He let her cry, making no effort to shush her, letting his forehead rest against hers.

"Right here Kathryn. Not going anywhere...."

Her head snapped up unexpectedly "No, we are dead."

"Wha..."

She screamed in agony as a spidery mechanical implant lanced out of her cheekbone.

"Kathryn! No!" He tried to hold her as she jerked uncontrollably in his arms, more Borg implants ripping through her flesh.

"Spirits please, no. Kathryn!!!! Chakotay to Sickbay! Emergency in the Captain's quarters!"

He couldn't stop her shaking or lift her from the floor where she was writhing in agony.

"Kathryn!!"

Strong hands were pulling him away from her.

"No! Please! Kathryyyyyyn!!!"

**

"Chakotay." a voice commanded his attention.

Someone was shaking him, none too gently.

"Chakotay!"

********

Kathryn had been getting ready for bed, forcing herself to try and get some rest despite feeling high strung. Neither the long soak in the bath nor the comfy flannel pajamas B'Elanna had gifted for her birthday were helping much.

The Doctor's latest venture into individuality having inadvertently caused a further rift between Voyager's command team. The trust they had worked so hard to rebuild after the Teero incident and her ever-increasing emotional distance after Quarra shattered by Doctor's attack on the Commander whilst impersonating the Captain.

Chakotay's waking in the morgue to the news of a "lost" Captain and missing warp core certainly hadn't helped. Upon retrieving both, he had stayed on duty long enough to assure himself over comm that everyone was alright before turning the Bridge over to Tuvok. And Kathryn had let him, too tired to chase after him upon leaving the sickbay herself yet understanding his reasons in not wanting to see the doctor. His absence still stung. She had hoped they would meet up after the shift and talk it over as they had done countless times before. Instead, when she tried to hail him in the evening the computer informed her in a cold, synthetic voice that "the Commander had a 4-hour holodeck reservation, all comms bar emergencies, set to - do not disturb".

She took the easy way out - pretending to honor his wish to work through this on his own. But the truth was - they truly were drifting, further and further apart...ever since Quarra - and not in the way she had intended.

...

She had just settled down in bed and closed her eyes when an anguished cry could be heard from the other side of her bedroom bulkhead. She sat up as another, louder sound followed.

It was just after 2 AM. Was Chakotay awake or was he having a nightmare?

She was undecided for a split second until a gut-wrenching cry, of what was unmistakably her name, ripped through the darkness.

"Kathryn!!!" the agony was palpable in the sound of his voice.

Wasting no further time she ran out of her quarters, overrode his door, running as fast as she could to his bedroom.

In the weak light of the viewport she could see him tossing and turning on his bed, tangled in his sheets, moaning as though in pain.

She rushed to his side, calling his name, trying to shake him awake.

"Chakotay."

He moaned again. She shook him some more.

"Chakotay!!"

************

His sight slowly returned. He was in his bedroom, in his bed, breathing hard, drenched in sweat.

Someone was leaning over him. Holding him down… no... shaking him awake.

"Chakotay… wake up, it was a nightmare."

*Kathryn!*

Kathryn was leaning over him with her hands braced on his shoulders.

*Was she there?*

He raised a trembling hand to her cheek - her perfectly smooth, unmarred cheek.

"Kathryn..." he managed to croak.

She covered his hand with hers, "Yes, it's all right… it was just a dream, I am here.".

Tears started running unchecked down his cheeks.

"Chakotay?" she whispered, worried about his reaction. He did not spook easily.

"You were…being… assimilated, I couldn't stop it, there was...nothing I could do..." he forced out.

She brushed the tears away with her fingers, taking his face in her hands gently. "I am ok, I am fine. It was just a dream."

Despite the warmth of her hip, nestled against his rib cage, despite her warm hands holding him, he found it hard to believe.

He closed his eyes, hiding his anguish from her.

"... that's what I thought the last time..."

Her heart broke a little. Despite everything, in spite of everything.

"Oh Chakotay..."

The matres dipped as Kathryn moved, impossibly closer.

He could now feel her forehead touching his, her breath blowing gently across his cheek. It was all wrong… she would never do this, never get this close.

"I promise you, I am here, I am ok..."

Her wet hair was now tickling his ear.

It was too much. His mind was mocking him.

He pushed her away and jumped out of the bed.

"No… it's another dream! Why do I torture myself like this?!"

Kathryn watched him, stunned by his reaction, as he paced the room, angrily swiping at his tears. He was tapping his arm with his fingers.

"I need to wake up."

"Chakotay!" she tried.

"Wake up, wake up, please… please… no more of this. She would not come..." he implored in an anguished voice as paced some more.

"..please, please, leave her out of it..." his voice was growing ever more desperate.

Kathryn rose from the bed and stood directly in his path, effectively blocking his progress.

As he raised his arms to push her away she made the best of the opportunity to command.

"Computer lights!"

The light temporarily blinded him and Chakotay raised his arms, fully expected her to either slap him or to disappear. What he was not expecting was the bone-crushing hug.

"Enough..." Kathryn whispered.

He reflexively hugged her back as her tiny frame shook with emotion.

"Enough Chakotay, please."

He took a deep breath getting ready to push her away when her distinct smell, citrusy notes of bergamot, and something more unique - Kathryn, filled his senses completely and finally broke through to him.

He could feel her heart thundering against his abdomen, the pulse driven by adrenaline.

"Please..."

*Is she really here?*

He looked down but couldn't see her face, obscured as it was by a curtain of damp auburn locks.

He moved them carefully aside only to be met by a miserable pool of cobalt blue.

"I'm real, I'm here...You are not dreaming." she rasped.

If this was an illusion it was the most realistic one he had ever encountered. He could feel the heat of her skin through…

*Flannel? What?*

"Kathryn?"

She could feel a shift in him. "Yes, this is real Chakotay. You're awake!" she assured him as she held onto him.

"Spirits. You are really here!" He hugged her back in earnest.

"I'm here..." her voice was muffled by his chest. He made a conscious effort to loosen his arms a bit, lest he suffocate her.

Kathryn was having none of it. She just hugged him back even harder if possible, as though her life depended on it, as though his did too, his night terror having torn her carefully constructed walls.

Her whole world had tilted on its axis in a breath. Chakotay no longer believed in them, he no longer believed that she would come to him in a time of need, unconditionally - always. Had she finally broken their unspoken bond? Their trust? Their friendship?

Unaware of her inner turmoil Chakotay tried to assure her of his wakefulness "I'm sorry ... I'm awake..." he ran slow circles on her back, "I'm awake… Are you all right?".

Instead of trying to reassure him Kathryn was... crying?

"I'm sorry...so, so sorry Chakotay." she sobbed into his shirt.

"Kathryn?" he tried to make sense of it, her sudden desperation "I woke you, what...?".

She sobbed even harder at his words. Her despair was tearing him apart.

"Kathryn please, talk to me..."

He didn't even try to disentangle them.

"I'm don't want to let you go Chakotay." Kathryn rasped out.

Her tone of voice made it obvious she was referring to more than just the hug.

"I wanted to give you space, I wanted to let you go, set you free from...I can't… I'm so sorry. "

It all finally snapped into place.

The distance she had imposed on their everyday interactions, after Kashyk, Michael, Teero, Jaffen...

The constant pressures of everyday life in this godforsaken quadrant coupled with her fierce need for independence, self-flagellation, and near martyrdom had slowly but surely drained her, making her believe she wouldn't get them home.

He could think of no other reason why she would try to convince herself that she should "set him free" and do her best to alienate him. To do... what? Make him happy, away from her?

The worst thing was that he had fallen for her rouse! His retreat from her having been motivated as much by self-preservation as by being rebuffed one time too many. The faithful first officer remained of course, ready to always serve his captain but Chakotay, well, Chakotay had drifted away from Kathryn and inadvertently confirmed her belief that she was… unworthy of him? A burden?

*Oh, Kathryn!*

How could he have let her believe that?!

Of course she still needed her friend, and instead he had acted like an arse, avoiding her when she had clearly suffered in silence.

And yet, despite all the distance she had imposed on them, despite his ever more obvious indifference, she had still run to his aid in the middle of the night at the first sign of trouble, as soon as he had called.

As her tiny frame shook pitifully against his chest he wanted to shoot himself. How could he have been so blind, how in seven hells had he ever let things get so bad between them? He had promised her Always and left her hanging at the first hurdle, his wounded pride instead of pushing for an explanation. He had owed her that as a friend if nothing else.

"Oh Kathryn..." he returned her hug just as fiercely.

It had never been his intention to hurt her.

"Why didn't you tell me? ..." he asked, resting his cheek against the crown of her head. "I'm not going anywhere...I don't want to let you go."

She cried even harder at that, drawing tears from him as well.

He rocked them gently, riding the storm. Not caring how long they stood in his bedroom barefoot as his T-shirt got progressively wetter.

Some, indiscernible time later Kathryn quieted down, as tears slowly receded, leaving snuffles in their wake.

She eased the hug a fraction but Chakotay held on. "You are stuck with me. Forever and always," he whispered kissing her forehead.

He was rewarded with a tearful smile as Kathryn finally lifted her head from his chest and met his gaze head-on.

"I think you've got it backward." she rasped.

Chakotay lifted a hand to wipe her cheek.

"How about… we agree to be stuck together?" He grinned at her, dimples showing.

Her heart ached with the truth "Chakotay, you deserve so much more..."

He would not let her finish the thought, stopping her with a gentle finger on her lips.

"I don't want a "more" Kathryn, I am happy with what is right before me, with what I have here and now."

Kathryn was overwhelmed by the sincerity of his gaze and, for once, allowed herself to return it without hiding anything from him.

She could see Chakotay's eyes widening as he read the truth there. He deserved more but she owed him the truth.

"I love you," she stated finally in a quiet voice. "It changes nothing but you deserve to hear it."

He laughed out loud, lifted her in the air, and spun them around the room.

"Chakotay!" She squeaked. She had never seen him that ecstatic.

He completed another turn around the room before gently lowering her back to the ground.

A quiet wave of content suffused the room as he leaned his forehead against her own once again.

"Thank you. For letting me know."

She lifted her gaze to meet his own, regret shining in her eyes "I still don't think I can… that we should..."

He stopped her once again "It's OK, I understand. I even agree with your reasoning… but this." he used his hand to gesture between them "this is enough."

"Chakotay..."

"Knowing for sure … is enough Kathryn."

He kissed her forehead again and hugged her back - content to just be in the moment.

Feeling the need to crack the sweet tension that was, inevitably slowly building between them, he moved his head a few minutes later to try and see her sleepwear better.

"Am I going crazy or Is it possible that you've switched to wearing flannel nightwear?"

Kathryn looked ah him in confusion for a moment before she remembered her unusual apparel.

*Drat!* She hadn't thought to change in her rush to reach him.

"Oh, yes, it was… erm, it was a joke, a gift from B'Elanna."

She blushed before moving away from Chakotay just far enough for him to see the T-Shirt sporting a Bat'leth wielding Unicorn over the flannel bottoms.

Chakotay nearly choked.

The pink glitter-encrusted lettering didn't detract much from the bold Klingon script proclaiming - Scientists do it Better.

**Author's Note:**

> It was originally much darker but... I just couldn't let them sink so low. This is a 14th rewrite. Sorry about the cheesy ending! :)
> 
> Also, I've been asked what the shirt looks like, here you go, modeled by Chakotay ;)


End file.
